Meeting 1/Chapter 5: Finding One's Pack

Neil Krug

Eleven beautiful women gathered near the end of a blizzard on a cold Wisconsin Friday night in January to meet and share food and foster the beginnings of what could be a new community of growlers.  That is, those who are daring to step into the forest of their souls and the collective unconscious and actively embrace the wilder, spirit-connectedness of themselves and those around them. After some wine and tea and roasted cauliflower, we sat down to share ourselves a little more deeply and reflect on the searching and hunting that we are all doing through the forests of our hearts.

Dr. Estés tells a grown-up version of The Ugly Duckling, with fear and lows and near-death trials endured by the little duckling.  This is not your children's fairy tale. He makes it through alive and discovers he has evolved into an elegant swan, at the same time finding his "pack" after being so alone for so long.

Like the duckling who feels eternally in solitude, I have lived most of my life almost never feeling as as though I belonged, that I knew the rules of the game, or that I was a desired member of the pack. Ms. Estés asserts that "ascertaining one's own psychic family is essential for vitality and belongingness," and I can attest that this search has played a predominant role in my own quest for happiness and contentment.

I had also not realized what an integral role one's mother plays in this psychic venture of belongingness, yet I can see now how my own upbringing and family shaped many of my feelings of isolation. Without a doubt, the ambivalent, collapsed, and unmothered mothers Ms. Estés discusses have a tremendous effect on their children's sense of groundedness and belonging for the rest of their lives.  If we're unmothered, our instincts aren't sharpened, and we won't always notice when we may be putting ourselves at risk amidst a less-than-welcoming community.  This isn't necessarily by any fault of our own mothers, but a result of the generations of ambivalent, collapsed, and unmothered before them. The rituals and bonding of mothers and motherhood have been so effectively eradicated that all that remains are meaningless games at baby showers, and bloggers showing us how to make Barbie doll cupcakes.

In the meantime, whilst searching for our community and pack, Ms. Estés reminds us to:

• Hold on, hold out, for creative life
• Do your work
• Accept your beauty
• Loosen your clutch on the survivor archetype if you've become attached to it.  Accept that you can be thriving instead.
• Hold out for the right medicine--don't endure bad company
• Appreciate the beauty brought to you by passing strangers
• Embrace RITUAL
• Don't listen to the tiny-hearted that may be around you!

Assignment for next month: 
Chapter 2: Stalking the Intruder/The tale of Bluebeard